Let's talk life: Alcoholic spouse

Dear Counsellor:

My spouse is drinking himself to an early grave. His grandfather was an alcoholic and now he can't do without a drink of rum.

He spends his salary at the bar and becomes boisterous when he comes home. The children are afraid of him and I am thinking of leaving him until he is sober.

- Gloria

Dear Gloria:

There is a familial pattern to alcoholism although sometimes it skips a generation.

Alcoholism is a lifelong disease but the individual can become sober for the rest of his life. Whenever your spouse decides to seek help, he has to make a commitment to stop the drinking.

Investigate whether or not there is an Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) group near your home. AA is a support group for individuals who have a drinking problem. He will be given a sponsor, who will guide him through the issue of abstinence and a healthy lifestyle. Your spouse must accept the fact that he has a problem and that the situation is an emergency.

Some men have great difficulty dealing with the stresses and responsibilities of having a family, work and elderly parents. It's very stressful to try to meet the bills each month on a small salary. Some men give up and disappear one day.

Depression and anxiety are partners and are found quite commonly in men. Men tend to externalise their problems. They blame their spouses for their problems and take out their frustrations on the family members.

It is very difficult living with an alcoholic who is not in recovery. How is his physical health? Alcohol causes liver, stomach and brain problems. He may not be eating well and so develop vitamin deficiencies.

He needs to be detoxified from alcohol and have his health checked by a doctor. Sometimes it takes separation from partner to jolt the spouse into seeking help for his drinking problem.

Disobedient stepchildren

Dear Counsellor:

My girlfriend has three children, who live with her. We are living together but the children are very difficult to deal with. Their mother doesn't want me to discipline them but they can be quite rude and disobedient.

I told my girlfriend that we should go for counselling to become a more united and functional family.

- Leroy

Dear Leroy:

Stepfamilies can be a challenge. It is difficult to play the role of father to these children. Children usually yearn for their blood relatives and find it difficult to deal with a stepfather.

Seeing a counsellor is a good idea.

How old are the children? Adolescents often give the most problems, as they don't want another man in the house. Are there uncles who are involved in their lives? It's easier if there are other male relatives in their lives.

Their mother needs to act as a bridge between them and you so that they learn to respect you and grow to accept you as part of their lives.

Remember that it will take a lot of time and family work to win the children over. Take it one day at a time. It would be good to take them to school and their extra-curricular activities. After a while, you can start a conversation about school or about the activities.

Expect problems from time to time. Be nice to their mother and treat her with respect.

Email questions and comments for Dr Yvonnie Bailey-Davidson to yvonniebd@hotmail.com or call her at 978-8602.