Talking sex with your partner

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

Donaldwas so interested in last Sunday's Outlook article on yeast infection that he took the time to write to us.

"I am a 38-year-old man, and I realise the more I read, the more knowledge I get. Men need to learn and act responsibly while women who have the information, such as how they get a vaginal yeast infection, should sit their men down and explain the infection to prevent their men accusing them. They could also suggest going to see the doctor together, and it would prevent the women thinking that the man 'go a road', catch a disease and bring it home."

One of the most important aspects of a successful relationship is effective communication. The feedback from Donald indicates the need for partners to improve communication on sexual matters. Partners should be concerned when neither male nor female wants to open up and share feelings on matters pertaining to sex. Even when the issue may be painful or sensitive, it helps to share the pain with your partner. You should not assume that your partner will accuse or condemn you on personal matters, for example, with some infections [yeast, chlamydia, etc.] associated with the genitals.

Gender differences

There are differences in the way men and women respond to discussion on sex-sensitive matters. Generally, men do not like to share their feelings, leaving their women feeling dejected and alone in the situation. As such, women have to learn why their male partners are not opening up. They may be stressed and tired from work or overwhelmed with the number of life issues they face. When some men go home, they may just want to relax and not hear or do anything which may add more stress.

Women have to be patient and look at other ways in which they may be able to tap into men's feelings. Being open about their feelings is one way a woman can get her messages across. It means that you should not hide or mask exactly how you feel, nor should you resort to sarcasm if you are upset about something. When you are expressive, it may help your partner become more comfortable and confident about the matter being discussed.

Honeymoon

What has changed as the relationship ages, from the time you met and communication was almost perfect? When people get together, it is usually in the name of love, "starting out with some honeymoon phase where they just go all over each other. This is when they are happy and everything seems to be going great," posits Brandon Black, writing Honesty Will Lead to Happier Relationships. (Ezinearticles.com)

As the relationship develops, challenges emerge and the state of love changes and may become hostile, with accusation and counter-accusation that the other person is not the same. As such, this leads to feelings of deception because of unmet expectations and changed perceptions over time. This is rooted in the fact that many persons live a lie as they exist in their own world with outrageous expectations and have come to expect too much of their partners. When partners are honest with themselves, they can accept shortcomings in relationships that they truly value.

Listening skills

When partners are comfortable with themselves, they will be better prepared to listen, picking up on things they would have otherwise overlooked. There is no happier feeling than being both heard and understood during conversations. Your partner can have the same feeling when you:

Listen holistically, paying attention to words and feelings - you will pay attention to tone of voice, facial expressions, head movements and the general mood of your partner.

Allow your partner to pour out all of his/her emotions - your partner will feel heard when you let him/her speak without interruption. This will prevent misunderstandings between couples.

Pay attention to any bad listening habits you may have and plan to change them. These habits include concentrating on your response while your partner is speaking, jumping to conclusions and being judgemental.

Speak the truth

Despite the advice to improve communication between couples, it is sometimes hard to speak the truth about something that is difficult to discuss. When you do speak up about something that is important to you, it could lead to depression because you have to ignore your own needs and feelings. If you do not speak the truth about delicate issues, your relationship will become rocky. As Donald pointed out, if a partner has an infection of the genitals and refuses to discuss it for fear of being accused of cheating, eventually sex will be withheld with flimsy excuses and the intimacy in the relationship will eventually die.

A situation like this really puts the partner between a rock and a hard place. Honesty is the best approach in overcoming sensitive issues. It is best to speak the truth instead of staying depressed and ruminating about it. When partners fear telling the truth, they start hiding their personal problems from each other. There is often fear of repercussions from your partner who may get angry and so you take the easy way out by keeping quiet.

Talk it out

The reasons behind lack of communication may vary between couples but it is important to recognise that when communication breaks down, other problems are likely to arise in the union. It is advised to talk things out, regardless of the nature of the issue, before they fester, eventually destroying emotions and relationships.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

- Maya Angelou

Real name withheld.

Send feedback/questions to:heatherl@cwjamaica.com