Sex & relationship - Long-distance relationships

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

Whether your spouse is sent off to war in Iraq or a new job position in another part of the country or world, long-distance relationships can survive the gulf created by miles and oceans if couples work hard at keeping the union alive. Long-distance relationships share the same principles as a proximal union, with two people sharing an interest in each other's lives. For long-distance relationships to work, it will require a sense of commitment as well as assessing the benefits of staying course.

While they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, a long-distance relationship is not for the faint-hearted. They can be difficult and bring disappointment and heartache when you cannot touch the one you love. You may even start doubting your feelings and this could overrun the beautiful relationship you once had. You may find that you start having arguments, but you should not succumb to them. In order not to drift apart, it takes similar commitment, patience, sacrifice and understanding as a relationship in which your partner is by your side.

For persons who have just met, it is important that both partners set parameters for the relationship. These include defining your relationship as dating, exclusive or non-exclusive, and asking important questions from very early: 'Are you willing to relocate should the relationship get serious? What are you expecting to get from the relationship?'

For partners who are into long-standing relationships, managing the distance becomes more challenging. However, there are some useful strategies which can be adopted for keeping your relationship emotionally charged.

1. If you are living in different countries, make sure you know the time zone where your partner lives and set a clock in your house on their time zone so you can locate your partner at a convenient time.

2. Communicate in some way every day - at least once a day or more, if possible. This is critical, especially when one partner may be busier than the other. In this regard, the busy partner should advise the other ahead of time that long hours will prevail. Today, there are more opportunities to communicate with each other - telephone, email, social networks, instant messengers and webcams, which give you that visual contact while you talk. Your emotional bond is strengthened by sharing joys and sorrows, jokes and expressing your love by sending small gifts and flowers for no reason and to prevent the communication from going stale. It is time to romanticise the relationship by writing love letters to express your deep feelings. E-cards are great tools.

3. Inform your partner of the friendships you have made and talk about the places you may go so that your partner who is away will not hear it second-hand as gossip.

4. Pursue common interests while apart and call each other and exchange notes. You may read books or magazines with similar titles, see the same movie or enrol in a computer course. Internet games that you can play together will strengthen your feelings of closeness.

5. Learn something new - this will give you a chance to turn your mind to something new, causing you to mope less while you are away from your partner. It will also be exciting to share your new skills when you meet. Pursue career interests and hobbies to help pass the time.

6. Resist the temptation to be controlling, even when you are apart, trying to peek into every move your partner makes and ascribing motive to them. This indicates jealousy, and without trust the relationship will not work.

7. Visit often so you get a chance to get close even for a day or two. It means readjusting your budget to include travel and looking out for special fares as they arise. Meeting each other halfway in a different city is also exciting and slits the travel expense between both partners.

8. Do not be unfaithful, even if you feel lonely. Guilt will only add to the pain of living away from your spouse. Men are more tempted to cheat as they find it difficult to cope with loneliness and boredom and miss the physical affection and sex. Men also worry about their women finding comfort in the arms of another man.

9. Stay positive and look at what you can gain by being apart. Do not focus on the separation but instead channel your energies to activities which will lift your spirits. If the distance is temporary, you can be upbeat and transmit the feelings of security and happiness to your partner. Despite the distance, you still have to be supportive of your partner in whatever circumstance.

10. Talk about the future, especially when you are uncertain about how long you will be apart from each other. Set a limit as to the length of time you will be away from each other and start making plans for being together at some time.

A long-distance relationship is a test of a couple's desire to stay together. While long-distance relationships are prone to the normal pitfalls of any relationship, it is communication, integrity and extra doses of attention that will ensure that the relationship survives the test.