How to leave while still in love

Heather Little-White, Ph.D., Contributor

"I'd rather leave while I am in, Love"

- Rita Coolidge

Being single is a matter of choice sometimes or you may be forced into it when the ideal nuclear family has broken down. An Outlook writer challenged my praise for single mothers on Mother's Day assuming that I was endorsing single parenting which, he claimed, is the foundation of dysfunctional families worldwide.

My friend should know that that single parenting is not an option for some people but a survival strategy for dysfunctional unions that not only destroys the parent (often the mother), physically but emotionally. It is in this context of survival that many mothers choose single parenting and they ought to be commended for their ability to cope and raise their children just as well as, or better than children living in a dysfunctional union with mother and father.

Marleen'sstory

I got married in my early 20s and was very excited about marriage and raising children for a man whom I had come to love. Everything was fine until the first child and I decided to go back to work after six months. My husband wanted me to stay home as a housewife but my dream was to go to college. The beating started and I stayed and had three more children even with the beatings. He threatened to kill me and because he worked with a law enforcement agency, the police did not believe my story. When I'd had enough, I decided to run to a different part of the country with my children who had come to hate their father. I had no clothes and no furniture. I decided that I would raise my children alone and I would go to college. I went undercover for a while and with the help of family and friends, I ably raised the children as a single parent and got them a college level education and I also went to college.

Dysfunctional nuclear family

Research has shown that some families with both mother and father may raise dysfunctional children because of the strife in which children live. Mother and father are consistently arguing and fighting before their children. We know that children live what they learn and the emotional effects of the 'war' among parents on children are enormous to the extent that children sometimes commit suicide in the home of their parents.

We learn from relationships which are the basis for growth and self-development. Everyone desires happy relationships to the extent that he loves, forgives and focuses on the good in others and himself. However, it does not mean that people cannot set boundaries and say a healthy 'no', to stand up for themselves when the need arises, as Marleen did.

Personal power and choice

Love aligns itself with thoughts of God and so it aligns each person with personal power and choice. A healthy self-love is not narcissistic but self-extending according to Marianne Williamson, writing in Illuminata: A Return to Prayer. Knowing the joy of one's innocence takes you to a place where you can say 'no' when necessary.

Williamson posits that "we can tell them when not to call anymore, we can take back the house keys and even call a lawyer if that's what it takes. Love is not weakness, but wisdom. God's answer is always loving, but the loving answer is not always 'yes'. This gives us the opportunity to leave while we are in love. The lyrics of the popular song, I'd rather leave while I am in love, are applicable. [Sager, Bayer and Allen]

I'd rather leave while I an in love

While I still believe the meaning of the word

I'll keep my dreams and just pretend

That you and I were never meant to end

Too many times I gave seen the rose die on the vine

Somebody's heart gets broken

And usually it's mine

I don't wanna take the chance of being hurt again

And you and I can't say goodbye ...

I still believe its best to leave while I am still in love..

Myths

So, do you leave or do you stay? Since the most common length of marriage is 12 years, you may need professional counselling as you grapple with the idea. You should find a trusted friend, minister of religion, or family member to clarify your thoughts. There are some myths which relate to your decision to leave. These include your not being a whole person, children need both parents; single parents prefer state support.

Tips for leaving

When you make your decision to leave, there are some practical things you need to do:-

Write down the date you left in a diary or notebook.

Make a list of assets, joint and personal.

Make a budget of how you are going to survive.

Freeze joint accounts at financial institutions.

Open an account for yourself, if you do not already have one.

Change your will if you have made one and you feel it is necessary to do so.

Check out your legal entitlements re property owned jointly.

Change the name on the lease if you are renting your home.

Copy all important documents like marriage certificate, bank statements and books.

Copy titles of ownership and property deeds.

Guarantees

You want to leave in an amicable way so your partner may decide to go and leave you. Either way you need to get legal advice. Relationships begin in many different ways, so too are their endings - many of which facilitate your return to singlehood.

"Everything you are against weakens you. Everything you are for empowers you."

- Dr Wayne Dyer