Give your lover an ego massage

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

Giving your lover an ego massage is more than just giving compliments. An ego massage is a thorough understanding of your partner's self-image and fostering it. A healthy self-image is important in planning the menu for constant nourishment of your lover's ego to win your partner's love in return.

Listening to your partner is important to discover how he or she sees him/herself. You have to learn how to carve out the compliment or praise so that you do not come across as insincere, which will dampen the union.

Empathy

How do you execute an ego massage?

1. Make your partner feel that because of his/her magnetism, you have been instantly captivated.

2. As you converse, let your partner sense strong empathy flowing from you. Sentences like 'I see what you mean', 'I can relate to that' and 'I understand' help you make your mark.

3. Interject your approval as your partner reveals more of himself/herself. Interject compliments; develop private jokes and other techniques to make your partner feel appreciated. Private jokes can squeeze out the first drops of love, even before you give a full-blown compliment.

4. When your partner realises how special you make him/her feel, you can add more full-bodied compliments.

Powerful magnet

Studies have shown that praise is a powerful magnet, as people react powerfully to compliments, especially when they are from a new person in their lives. This is one reason why long-standing relationships fail, because even when they are complimented, they are not as readily appreciated as when they come from a new attraction in your life. This is why, if your new prospect is in a troubled relationship, your compliments can be a salve to soothe sagging spirits and keep your partner coming to you for a renewed self-image. (Leil Lowndes, 1996)

Body shout-out

Your body can play a vital role in unspoken praise. When you first meet a person of interest, your body should shout, "I desire you irresistibly ... . My conscious mind may not know it yet, but see how my body is responding to yours." Your first praise should be unspoken, letting your eyes do a double take, looking once, then looking away and quickly looking again with that 'I want you' expression.

Eye contact

While you talk with your partner, maintain eye contact with an intense gaze. Bedroom eyes make your pupils grow large with appreciation. Sticky eyes make your partner feel that you cannot take your eyes away, even during silent moments. As you speak, focus on your partner and flash a smile, leaning slightly forward, and nodding in approval, softening the approach. Maintain a confident posture during the conversation.

Sensitive communication techniques

Your objective is to massage your partner's ego but you have to be careful not to cause negative feelings. If you want to boast about your partner, choose only those events in which he/she stood out. It is not uncommon for persons to heckling their partners about times when they made some blunders like spilling drinks, misplacing keys or falling. This has a negative effect and could easily turn off your partner. It is also important to check the mood of your mate before giving private jokes, or the punchline will be missed.

Admiration means using reinforcing statements to express approval. During conversation, drop in kudos which are not full-blown compliments. Examples: 'That's impressive', 'You manage emergencies well' and 'congratulations'. You can give a killer compliment by finding a unique quality in your partner, look him/her straight in the eye, and call him/her by name. However, go easy on the compliments or your partner may consider it pandering.

Praise

Compliments mean less to people who are used to being praised. So if your potential partner is extremely attractive or accomplished, you will have to try harder to make your compliments more original with a strong punchline. Brenda, et al, 1984, writing on physical attractiveness and self-esteem in Personality and Psychology Bulletin, posits that less-attractive people value praise more than attractive people. She added that those less attractive were ravenous for compliments and illustrated that trapped inside every frog-faced man is a handsome prince waiting for you to kiss him with praise. Equally, trapped inside every plain-faced woman is a beautiful enchantress crying to be set free by you making her feel beautiful.

If your partner compliments you in return, do not give a lukewarm response or shake off the compliment with comments like 'not really' or 'it's just luck'. This is a turn-off and you are not likely to get anymore. What you need to do is bounce back the compliment like a boomerang to the giver. Responses like 'that was sweet of you to notice', 'thanks, you remembered' or 'that was kind of you' will cause your partner to think. In France, instead of just saying merci (thank you) a more gracious version is 'c'est gentil' which, loosely translated, means 'that's kind of you'. It is important to let your big smile show your partner that you appreciated the compliment. The more good thoughts your partner has about you, the more sparks of love will fly.

Wounded ego

How can you better the odds and increase your chances of acceptance for lifelong love? If your affection for your partner sags for a moment, you would have a wounded ego and the love may start to sour. A critical part of the ego massage is to divulge what you love, appreciate or admire in your partner. Encourage the things you adore by speaking it - 'I love when you give me a gentle back rub when we drive together'. Compliment even the silly, subtle things you love about your partner and let him/her know in those odd moments. This is more than just saying 'I love you'; you need to say why.

According to Lowndes, many people neglect to tell their significant other what really turns them on, and this practice will put out the bulbs in the magnificent array of glimmering lights that make up love.

Send feedback/questions to Heather Little-White at: heatherl@cwjamaica.com.